When It Goes Wrong - It Really Does Go Wrong!

By Micky (Turka) Taylor, Author and non-League Football Pundit

As the heading of this article says, when it goes wrong it really does go wrong, as Croydon found out in an away match with Chesham United and I would think that most non-League managers and players would agree with that statement.

So, although this is a short story to tell you about, there is a lesson to be learned from it. I should know because having been a master joiner all my life I was brought up on the theory measure twice, cut once.

Trust me, it may all sound a bit odd at the moment, but all will unfold on Saturday 6th January 2001 away in a league game at the Meadow, home of the then-Isthmian League Premier Division side Chesham, who now ply their trade in the Pitching In Southern Football League Premier Division South.

It all began really in the few days leading up to the game when, as director of football I called, as normal, into the ground during the day before the matchday to see Ken Jarvie, my manager, to have a chat.

Sometimes I used to go into the laundry room to see our kit man, Barry Bales, (now passed away) who was a laugh after his morning tipple to say the least.

I just liked to see the laundered kit hanging up with the numbered shirts and shorts with our badge on and I always felt like I wanted to put the kit on right there and then.

It was like taking a reformed alcoholic to a brewery, or a former smoker to a tobacco factory.

I did have my official bench kit, which was nice to have, and all that was hanging up in there as well as fresh as could be with the women’s kit on the far rail no longer in use (who had since disbanded despite their great season as Women`s FA Cup and League winners).

Ken then called me into the office and said: “Micky, I’ve had this thought. Why is it that on away games if we use the team bus, we bring back another club’s beer to drink on the way home?

“From now on we will load two crates of beer onto the bus before we leave and then they can drink my beer on the way home.”

Great, I thought, that was Ken, the proper businessman, along with his management skills.

We all met for the team bus at our ground on the Saturday for the trip north including the beer and our kit packed into two laundry baskets and a team full of hope.

We had beaten Chesham at home earlier in the season 2-1 but we were flirting around the relegation zone now so all that was to come before us in the league was going to be tough going.

We always arrived at our away ground in plenty of time allowing for traffic, so it was on this day that we were at Chesham around 1.15 pm.

I was always one to be hands-on and help out, despite my position within the club and I loved to give Arthur West, (now passed away), our kit man, a hand.

The players were ushered from the dressing room to the pitch to take in some fresh air and check which footwear to wear on the playing surface and also other factors i.e., wind, sun, slope if any, so that if we won the toss of the coin then we had some idea what choice to make.

Of course, all the time the players were gone, Arthur and I started to get the kit out.

I am sure that you will have heard of the saying ‘I wish the earth would open up and swallow me’ and that is how we both felt as the first items out of the playing kit were a couple of women’s sports bras, a couple of pairs of knickers, and of course the kit which looked like it would barely fit a toy doll let alone a man’s body!

So, there we were with the women’s kit that Barry had given us instead of the first team away kit and an hour before kick-off.

Remember what I said earlier, check twice! One good thing though, he had packed the right warm-up tops and substitute suits and benchtops (no fine for that).

By now the players had come back in and were in hysterics at the situation. Not the ideal preparation when the game should now be fully in a player’s head.

So, it was down to me to go and see if we could borrow a complete kit as the boys could not even get the socks on to warm up.

Off I went but I did not want to disturb the Chesham manager in the home dressing room and become a laughing stock, so I made for the Boardroom and found a committee member who was very helpful and took me to the kit manager who sorted us out with a complete kit.

I will always remember his words as he dumped the kit in our dressing room – “Best of luck lads. We have never won a game wearing that kit,” to which I replied, “There has got to be a first time!”

The boys had now gone out for a very quick warm-up as Arthur and I laid the shirts and shorts out and we were ready just in time for the referee`s bell.

As for the game the chap who gave us the kit was not far wrong!

That kit had losers written all over it as we struggled with the ball to find one of our players and as for shooting, we could not hit a barn door.

Defending was just as bad as a double-decker bus could have made our penalty area without anyone noticing it was there and that was only the first half.

Despite a going over from Ken at half-time, the second half saw no improvement and we were well beaten 3-0 but, to be fair to the players, they never used the kit as the excuse for such a poor performance, blaming only themselves which I give them some credit for.

I am sure it gave the Chesham United kit man great pleasure in ‘I told you so. That kit is jinxed’!

Next thing to come was when we were in the clubhouse and Ken informed the players that after some food and a beer there was no need to get any for the bus home as it was on board already and would be coming out of their wages.

Ever had one of those days when nothing goes right but rather everything really does go seriously wrong?

(Micky Taylor`s excellent book `Non-League Football - A Roller Coaster Ride To Beat Any` is available to buy from Amazon priced £12.99 (Kindle version £3.99. All proceeds to Cancer Research).